my phone needs a breathalizer
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
