Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
