Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
