yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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