So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
