i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
