My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
