someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
