you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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