peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
