The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
