Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
