So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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