I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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