It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
