I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
