Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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