can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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