Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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