I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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