He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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