I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
