hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
