I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
