Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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