Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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