Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
