I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
