I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
