You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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