if i can run in heels then i can drive
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
