the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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