my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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