I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
