umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She told me I should be a condom model.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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