Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
