Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
