I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
