The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
