i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
