Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Randomize
