Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
