It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
