The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
