Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
