"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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