Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
