Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
