I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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