Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
