In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
