I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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